Cannibalism Litigation: A How To
Occasionally, people will be worried that someone else may have tried to eat them. Most cannibals won’t normally eat a whole person as that would be inconsiderate. One quick way for you to know that you have been eaten is to check your body for missing pieces. Usually, large bite-sized chunks are not missing from your body unless there has been some sort of foul play.
If pieces are found to be missing, one helpful thing to consider could be: “Do I know anyone who has a taste for human flesh?” If so, consult them first, but be sure not to let them eat any more of you. If they have done it once there is a high chance of a repeat offense. If confronted about it directly, they may lie. Keep an eye out for red flags. One way to tell that they are lying is to keep an eye on their mouth. If they appear to be salivating as you talk about your tender, juicy body meat, call an attorney. Be sure to look for one who specializes in cannibalism cases. Check their references to make sure that they are not just trying to lure unsuspecting victims into their layer to feast upon the sweet body-meat (after they have collected their counseling fee of course).
Once you have confirmed that you have indeed been eaten, identified the suspect, and consulted an attorney who is not trying to double cross you in order to devour your flesh, it is time to go to court.
Remember: Look Tasty! You’ll want to look good for the judge and jury. Make sure to dress so that you look good enough to have been eaten, but not so tasty that any cannibals present in the courtroom will try and grab a quick bite during recess. For your safety, dress in layers.
Good luck! Be sure to have your attorney ask for damages, as well as the equivalent amount of flesh from the offending party. It is customary to eat all of it while in the courtroom during the post-trial “gnashing period”. In the future, try to be choosier with the company you keep. Remember: A friend with your flesh in his mouth is no friend at all.