Colemantology

Believe in your stupid self

Being a Real Person

                When asked to define “being”, Martin Heidegger wrote “Do we in our time have an answer to the question of what we really mean by the world ‘being’? Not at all. So it is fitting that we should raise anew the question of the meaning of being.” Which is fine, but you won’t need to consider any of that for most of your life. Especially if you want people to like you.

                Most of your time as a human will be spent looking into your phone, looking at other people looking at their phones. It’s all very fun, but time consuming. Human beings will usually take short breaks to eat or defecate. One of the most popular places to do this is a coffee shop. There, people gather to ignore each other in real life while trading the use of a toilet, a machine designed to make it easy to defecate while checking your phone.

                Occasionally, a person will read a book at a coffee shop. A book is a series of pages with text printed on each page, which is usually made of wood pulp. The longer you stare into the book, the smarter you are considered to be. The book can also serve as a more civilized deterrent towards people who may want to engage with you. A normal train of thought for a human who has finished a book is: “Look at all of these people, not interacting with each other, and not looking at books. I pity them.” He will then close the book and exit the coffee shop, leaving behind his old book and his old life.

                Obviously being a human can become confusing at times. Being human is in itself often an ethical dilemma. There are a number of moral paradoxes associated with it. Consider the trolley problem, for instance. Consider it for a very long time. After having considered the trolley problem, consult a therapist to begin restructuring your life.

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